Right now it is past three o' clock in the morning, and once again I find myself unable to sleep because I can't help but think about the fact that right now I should still be with the person who I still love right now, but I'm not because she decided that we were not right for each other. I know I said in my last post that when you love someone so much it's that much harder to learn to love again, but I feel like this has been so difficult for me. Joining E-Harmony was a decision based on the fact that I felt like I was ready enough to begin to try and find who God wants me to be with, but it hasn't been easy since I started. I understand that you won't always get together with the first match that you meet in person, but through the conversation I had, I felt like I may have had something going. But that feeling was crushed in just the course of one evening date. I know that God is always in complete control, and that His way is the best way, but I can't help but feel like the right one got away from me, and it frustrates me that I can not think of any way to ever get her back. I loved her so much, and I still love her so much, and it hurts me to think that she said that she thought she couldn't give me the love that I deserve simply because I really want children, and she doesn't. I truly meant it when I said I would give up having children to be with her, because I truly admit right now that I am still in love with Kayley Schanz even though I am looking for someone else. Maybe there is not a way for us to be together, but right now my heart is unable to give up the love I have for her. Perhaps it just shows that the first real love is the strongest one, and it takes a long time to try and recreate that love, especially with another person. I'm not sure where God will take me in this regard, but I feel slightly better now that I have expressed what is on my heart, even if no one ever reads this blog.
In Christ,
Amen
