Dealing with the longing inside

Right now it is past three o' clock in the morning, and once again I find myself unable to sleep because I can't help but think about the fact that right now I should still be with the person who I still love right now, but I'm not because she decided that we were not right for each other.  I know I said in my last post that when you love someone so much it's that much harder to learn to love again, but I feel like this has been so difficult for me.  Joining E-Harmony was a decision based on the fact that I felt like I was ready enough to begin to try and find who God wants me to be with, but it hasn't been easy since I started.   I understand that you won't always get together with the first match that you meet in person, but through the conversation I had, I felt like I may have had something going.  But that feeling was crushed in just the course of one evening date.  I know that God is always in complete control, and that His way is the best way, but I can't help but feel like the right one got away from me, and it frustrates me that I can not think of any way to ever get her back.  I loved her so much, and I still love her so much, and it hurts me to think that she said that she thought she couldn't give me the love that I deserve simply because I really want children, and she doesn't.  I truly meant it when I said I would give up having children to be with her, because I truly admit right now that I am still in love with Kayley Schanz even though I am looking for someone else.  Maybe there is not a way for us to be together, but right now my heart is unable to give up the love I have for her.  Perhaps it just shows that the first real love is the strongest one, and it takes a long time to try and recreate that love, especially with another person.  I'm not sure where God will take me in this regard, but I feel slightly better now that I have expressed what is on my heart, even if no one ever reads this blog.

In Christ,
Amen

Hey everyone, I'm back and I have something really important to get something out of my heart that has been causing me a great amount of heartache and pain.  Last night it was so bad I could feel it as a tight feeling in my chest, like a fist was squeezing my heart.  Even though its been over six months, I still am unable to get her out of my heart.  Even though I want to move on in my life, I just seem to be unable to stop loving her.  When I told her that I loved her, I meant it.  I'm still struggling with how I could have felt such a powerful force that told me that she was the one that I was to live the rest of my life with.  I just don't want to keep on living my life without her, but unfortunately she was the one who ended it, so there is not much that I can do in a direct fashion.  Until I either get her back, or God leads me to another angel, I will have to deal with the heartache that is going to come.  I guess when you truly love someone so deeply, losing them hurts that much more.  So I'm going to keep on moving forward, and I will trust that God will give me an angel again.

Will be back soon!

I plan on returning with more stuff soon!  It's been an interesting few months since this summer at Badger Camp, and I plan on updating everyone soon!

I'm Back!

Hello friends and readers,
             I know that it has been a long time since I have posted , but things have gotten kind of busy around here, and I have not had this blog on my mind for quire some time.  I'm really sorry that I was't able to post any sooner, but I will make this post a little longer to make up for not posting for the last three months.  Life has been pretty boring in terms of day to day life, with most days not having much variation on what I do on any particular day.  I know that I have been playing Castleville too much, and have been on my computer doing things that are ultimately not the most productive in terms of advancing myself.  I think that after getting out of school, I was wanting to get some relaxation, and I ended up getting into a bad pattern that stuck for 3 months.  But I have been working on getting better about using my time better, in order to make my mom happy, and to do a better job of being productive during a time when I am waiting to hear where God wants me to go in regard to school and work.



Right now, I am waiting to hear from some schools, and from several different workplaces.  God is really teaching me how to be patient, especially with my mom, since she is the person in my family who I tend to clash with the most.  He is doing great work in me, and I know that He wants me to treat her like she deserves to be treated.  My dad just had a total hip replacement, and is recovering now, so I am helping him out when he needs something.  It's been a good way to stay close with my dad.


Tonight, my angel broke up with me :(   I will say that the 4 months that we were together were some of the best I've ever had.  Thank you Kayley for showing me how a relationship should be, and I will forever be grateful for the time that we had together, I will never forget it!

Thanks for reading,

Tyler

New Years Party 2011

What an amazing New Year's Party it was this past weekend!  It started out great, as my new girlfriend Kayley came over and stayed at my house thursday night.  It was an amazing first night together as a couple, we had mudslides and a cookie monster while watching Baby's Day Out, one of my favorite movies from my childhood, and we both enjoyed it just as much as I did those days.  It was a short night, but a good night.  The next morning we got up, and watched a bunch of wrestling matches and the evil dead 1 and 2.  Those are some great movies, classic horror films!  Then we went to Demenico's to eat as a family, it was a good first dinner with my girlfriend.  Then we went back to my house and left for camp.  It was a fun night, I got to see Mariah, Katelyn, the Holmans, Grant, Scot, and a bunch of other people.  Later that night we played Extreme Mafia, which consists of a group of people gathering together in one room, blocking all sources of light into the room, and then having the narrator selecting an appropriate number of "mafia" whose identity would be unknown to the other players.  Then the light in the room was turned off, and all of the players would wander around in the dark room until they identified a dead body on the flood, which was the result of the mafia pretending to cut their victims throat.  Once this happened, the lights would be turned back on, and then the remaining players had to decide on who they thought the mafia was.  This continued until either the mafia gained an advantage, or the townspeople got rid of all the mafia.  We played several rounds of this game, with Scot unfortunately running into a pole in the room, which was ironic since he was a mafia member, so he used this to get people off his trail.  Then we played pong, which was also quite entertaining, especially since I actually was halfway decent at it this time, which was surprising given my previous track record playing this at camp.  Katelyn and Jon were still the best, as they won all three times they played.  I hate to think how much sugar was consumed doing that!!!!   After that, most people went to bed.
           The next day, however, was another story, as Kayley and I had to get up really early in order to drive back to my house to pick up my white elephant gift, and for Kayley to find a gift at Wal-Mart. Then we got back to a really big breakfast made for us by Sarah.  Then we sat and ate a lot of food, and afterward everyone broke off to do their own thing, with Grant and Sarah setting up the chapel for our New Year's Eve Party, Katelyn and Jon going to buy their white elephants gifts, and the rest of us just hanging out waiting for the time for the party to start.  By 7:00,  the rest of the guests started to show up: Megan and Josie, Tim Ulven and Sarah Hood, Lauren, Stuart, and Evin.  Of course, being camp, naturally things didn't start on time, since camp time is slower than normal time, so  the party didn't really start until 7:45.  But when it did start, boy did we all have a great time!!!  So Grant and Sarah spent a lot of time rigging the chapel to resemble the movie Inception.  They had an elaborate tunnel entrance, chairs set up upside down hanging from the ceiling, floating orbs, broken ones on the tables, nice candles on the tables, and over 100 bucks worth of chinese.  In order to keep up with the theme, each person was given a "token" in order to differentiate between a dream and reality.  Mine was a metal basketball hoop ornament.  So then we sat down to eat all of the food that Sarah bought for us, which was served in three  courses, which required each person/couple to rotate tables so everyone could talk to everyone.  It was a good idea because everyone at the party did not know everyone.  Then we played a camper favorite, bingo, which was a good time.  Then we played mafia with cards, which is the original way to play the game.  I won't explain it, because that takes too long.  After that was the gift exchange, which was a lot of fun.  I ended up with a copy of the movie The Holiday.  (there's a story behind this movie that may or may not be told later.)   Then people either left, went to bed, or stayed up the whole night watching old movies ( grant, sarah, scot, and me).  Then my girlfriend Kayley, Katelyn, Jonathan, Hannah, and Lydia all went to Michigan for a few days.  All and all it was a great time!!!!!!!!!!!!   Next time I will post about my new relationship with Kayley, my angel :)   Thanks for reading this long and rambling entry!